Nealreal (Neal Chester)

I ended my life for several reasons:

1. I didn’t have a support system.
2. I wasn’t able to meet my emotional needs.
3. I didn’t want to live under this parasitic colonial capitalist system.
4. It’s difficult to recover from mental issues when I’m in survival mode.
5. I faced homelessness for the 5th time and refused to be homeless again, especially in a foreign country.

Final Messages

Here are some audio messages to clarify my decision, and I hope they help others. I have never felt seen, and so these messages also expose some of my inner aspirations and experiences to the world. Warning: these messages can be hard to hear, and I don’t expect people to listen to everything.

1. My Experience Living in IsolationNealrealDuration: 7:59
2. I Realized that I'm Just TiredNealrealDuration: 24:59
3. 4 Responses to Neurodivergent PeopleNealrealDuration: 27:03
4. My 20+ Years in Website DevelopmentNealrealDuration: 28:00
5. My Experience with SuicideNealrealDuration: 29:01
6. My Experience Being a CreativeNealrealDuration: 41:13
7. Why I Want to Live and DieNealrealDuration: 46:14
8. How the World Makes Me FeelNealrealDuration: 47:52
9. Why I Failed in Life: Unsupported and Self-SabotageNealrealDuration: 1:04:15
10. My Experience with HomelessnessNealrealDuration: 1:06:53

These messages are also included in my YouTube playlist titled (Raw Rants).

Reasons for my suicide:

I don’t want to live under a parasitic colonial system.

I don’t want to perform, strive, and compete with others for financial resources. We should be working together. Land, water, food, and shelter are free. I’d rather be in a community that supports each other than play this money game.

I don’t want to pay rent, property tax, or a mortgage, and I’m not going back to living on the street or in homeless shelters because I can’t afford a living. I’m not willing to do whatever it takes to survive in an unfair system like this. Colonial capitalism is inhuman.

All the hustlers and people who bend themselves to survive in this system keep it alive.

It’s hard to heal and recover from past trauma when I’m in survival mode.

I’m trying to recover from growing up in a cult, religion, an abusive childhood, narcissistic relationships, a neglectful marriage, and systemic racial abuse. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and loneliness. I’m often angry about boundaries being crossed and the systems that contribute to so much worldwide suffering. Meanwhile, I have to juggle making a living and weeding out unhelpful “support.”

Being black, neurodivergent, and INFJ makes things hard.

It’s like interdimensional aliens invaded this world and mind-snatched the majority of the population. Or, I’ve awakened from the Matrix and people around me are asleep. The masses lack depth and capacity for empathy, compassion, and consideration for others. Therefore, I’m incompatible with most people, and sometimes they treat me like a threat; it becomes unsafe and unhealthy to even attempt connection with most people.

Evil runs the world. There is little justice and accountability.

Oligarchs, inhuman families, corporate leadership, and kleptocrats influence and dominate most of the known world. They maintain these parasitic systems, leading people into modern-day slavery and hardship. You can either be a slave or a slave owner.

Those who reject the slave position become predators, scammers, grifters, and criminal organizations to live a better quality of life, but at the expense of others. Deception and lies are the language of this world. You win for being evil.

What angers me the most is that the majority are tolerating evil by learning to navigate around these systems instead of utterly destroying them. I don’t want to learn how to adapt to this toxic system. I want to join the fight to destroy it.

I haven’t been able to meet my basic emotional needs.

Emotional needs include emotional support, a like-minded community, and seven other categories of human needs. I said I would seek to build these kinds of relationships for myself within a community once I financially stabilized myself, but I didn’t get the chance.

I hate the condition of human relationships

There is little to no capacity for reciprocity. Even close relationships are purely transactional. Misandry, misogyny, cast systems, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, ageism, ableism, racism, colorism, and narcissism. I hate this shit.

Monotonous living made me want to die.

A lack of healthy connections, social isolation, little faith in oneself, little patience, trauma, and self-sabotage are exhausting and emotionally painful.

If I can’t naturally have the life I want, I’d rather be dead. I want to thrive without sacrificing my spirit, life, and vitality just to get to some mediocre life.

I was brought into an exploitative system with no manual, no strategy, no support, just to suffer. But no more suffering for me.

Final Wishes

I want the PDF version of my book distributed to people for free. I want my body cremated and no funeral. I don’t have any friends or family.

The following were a few of my projects: